FAUX FRAG GIGGIN'

As published in the Newport (TN) Plain Talk
Release Date – Feb 23, 2012
Column Number - 1208


Frog legs! Amphibian appendages!

Whatever you call them; they are considered as somewhat of a delicacy in certain parts of these here United States.

My Uncle Paul was a crack shot when it came to small fuzzy wuzzies of the four-legged persuasion; or small feathered figures of the winged variety. He had several weapons that would land him in Gitmo today; but were legal and normal back then. I remember his scopes that could have been used by NASA to track their spacecraft, perched on top of rifles that Seal Team Six would develop chills down their leg to own.

He would have loved to have lived 6000 years ago and drawing a bead on one of the abundant dinosaurs (yeah, I know you heard all about the millions and millions of years and the “gaps” in the fossil records) – if, and only if he could somehow have transported his arsenal to Glen Springs, Texas.

So he was content on scoping out groundhogs hogging the ground, whistle pigs whistling while they worked, wood chucks chucking wood, squirrels and mice and assorted forms of rodents, marmosets, quail, ducks, geese, opossums and possums (the latter is found only in East Tennessee; the former is everywhere else). They didn’t have a chance when Paul drew a bead. If I am not too misinformed, Spring City, Tennessee is still rodent free because of Uncle Paul and “Joe’s Ammunition and Salami Shop”.

But I never heard Paul tell a story about frog giggin.

I guess that was because frog gigging is up close and personal and Paul preferred to knock their lights out from a football field away.

It is not a very big secret that yours truly was raised on the outskirts of Frogpond, on the environs of Eastport, a suburb of Newport.

And yes, they was frogs in that there pond.

Freddy (The Big Ugly) ventured into the wild and wooly world of frog giggin’ on several occasions; and pulled at least half of his friends (that would be two) into this adventure.

I heard a lot of stories about the experiences; but I never saw any evidence. I don’t remember “The Big Ugly” bringing any frog laigs home to Josephine Celeste’s big old South Pittsburg black iron skillet.

I mean Paul would bring home the bacon or whatever the choice cuts of rabbit are called; but Freddie and friends: not so much.

Just as well; because I’m not so sure I would have consumed any part of a frog anyway. I mean, I did not want to get warts on the outside, much less on the inside! Toad, frog; you say tomato, tomahto, I say “mater”.

And now I know why Freddie and friends never scored a web footed trophy! They were not doing it right! Champion frog giggers know that you have to get down and dirty if you want to watch the legs jumping in the pan. You have to get in with em; feel the mud oozing between your toes; step on the salamanders, slip on the lizards and gizzards and gila monsters; be like Mike and get dirty.

And Freddie didn’t like to get his white tennis (or elevenies) dirty!

But, do it right, and you might – just might end up with a slimy, cold blooded, skin breathing, tail-less amphibian on the three tines of your gig; or better yet, if you line them up just right and hold your mouth just right - three slimy, cold blooded, skin breathing, tail-less amphibians on one tine of your gig. Admittedly, that is somewhat difficult to do – only Lester Starnes has ever accomplished that in the six thousand years sum total of the history of mankind. Lester is a frog whisperer; I’m not sure you knew that!

So there is a right way and a wrong way to gig frogs; a real way and a faux way – and you cannot do any good by trying to do it the wrong way.

Kinda like trying to get to heaven, you know. There are many multitudes of wrong ways to try; and many multitudes trying the multitudes of wrong ways; but there is only one correct way – through Jesus Christ!


These columns are written by Tom Mooty, Pastor of Newport’s West End Baptist Church; all comments can be sent to tommooty05@comcast.net or P.O. Box 851, Newport.

-- 30 --