Monday, August 6, 2012


As published in the Newport (TN) Plain Talk

Jul 15, 2012

Column Number: FM 1229

So, I’m driving down Morrell Springs Road the other day; and I saw an incredible display of smart from a dumb animal!

No, I am not talking about an intelligent performance from a critter of the two-legged persuasion (there are not too many of those anyway); I am waxing eloquent about an act of such perspicacy, such perspicuity, such perspicacity, and such percipience as to defy all realms of sagacity and acumen.

Actually, with such a build-up; this must rank up there with Creation on the first page and The Second Coming on the last page. Well, no; nothing can reach to those heights; but it was purty ‘portant, I betcha.

It answers an age old question that children have asked their older and smarter (in some cases) leaders: “How do those cows walk around the sides of those hills without falling off, rolling down, and ending up giving pre-churned butter or pre-ground beef?”

You got that question if you have been in these here hills long enough to have kids.

So, as I was saying, I was driving down Morrell Springs Road one day and lo and behold, I saw it! It was an act of such acute, astute, shrewd, clear-headed, discerning, penetrating, piercing comprehension as to de….. well, you know!

There he/she was, standing there casually munching his/her way to the butcher shop – the most intelligent, keen, canny, discerning, and clever four legged critter of the bovine persuasion I have ever seen.

All his/her peers were standing precariously on the side of the hill, desperately trying to find a level square foot on the “cow trail” that serpentined its way around the sloping landscape.

They were all having great difficulty trying to maneuver their way to the next little clump of graminoids of the pasture grass persuasion on their way from here to there – but not the budding bovine that had captured my undivided.

I think he/she was a Charolais type of the domesticated ungulate family of Bos primigenius. I did not inquire as to the specifics of my case study in bovinology; whether he/she was a bull, cow, heifer, calf, steer, ox, or springer – that didn’t matter; he/she was what my wife, “Miss ‘Nita” called “the other white meat”.

As a side note; my dear mother-in-law once made a frantic call to the Oak Ridge 911 operator; and when all the tape recorders came up to speed and all off-duty personnel had been awakened for this bonified emergency, “Mimmi” breathlessly cried “There’s a bull heifer in my back yard”.

Seems that he/she had jumped the cell bars of a pick-up truck and sprinted to freedom in Mimmi and Daddy Bill’s back yard; but she was too swift to let the escapee escape; and very soon, another freedom loving “bull heifer” was once again incarcerated.

Some of you will get that about midnight tonight; but if not, call my son-in-law, Larry the Dairy Guy and ask him about that.

Anyway, I digress. That intelligent Charolais was standing perpendicular to the path, with his/her front legs up the slope and back legs down the slope (well, duh); and enjoying a leisurely repast of the afore-mentioned graminoids. It was actually very easy because the slope of the hill brought the grass right up closer to the intake valve of the milk/meat making process.

Smart, huh? I told you, we grow ‘em right around here; and they get smarter the closer the farm is to Frogpond! That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. I bet you thought I was never going to get to the point didn’t you?

Are you smart enough to have made the decision to follow the only begotten Son of the Creator of this wonderful world? Man has made such a mess of the world’s system; we need to stop and smell the roses and allow the Lord to speak to us every once in awhile.

Tom Mooty writes the Five Minute Column for the Thursday and the Weekend Editions of the Newport (TN) Plain Talk. Send your favorable comments to P.O. Box 851, Newport 37822; or to Send all unfavorable comments to your own "File 13".

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